Day 14231

I swear I can hear Marvin Gaye's song Let's Get It On coming from above me as I type this. Yet, I do not have any upstairs neighbors, at least in the traditional sense. Instead, I have a colony of tiny ants, headed by some bitch of a queen, who does nothing but eat and turn tricks. The colony moves indoors every fall when the weather turns damp. I hate them.

This morning after my quite chilly little walk, I commenced my usual morning routine. When I got to the toothbrushing part, I got a little surprise. There was a tiny ant hiding in the bristles of my toothbrush. He escaped from my mouth while I was brushing my um... What the hell do you call the teeth between the canines? Those teeth. I think the floride killed him. Sorry PETA members, but I celebrated it by spitting at him in the sink! Wait. That's a lie. I'm not sorry.

According to my neighbor, these ants are part of the largest geographical colony of related animals in the world. Apparently, the southern tip of the colony is in the Yucatan Penninsula and the northernmost part reaches Redding, CA. The frequent travel and relocation of people up and down I-5 aided their expansion northward. When the warm weather comes again, they will leave the warm, dry confines of my attic and head back outside to greet their cousins, brag about their encounters with the queen, and gather tiny bits of food.

So, each summer, I help them out with that last part, the food gathering. I didn't want any insecticides in the yard as I am usually barefooted out there, so I decided to kill them with kindness. I leave piles of Malt-O-Meal for them. The idea is that they eat the Malt-O-Meal, which reacts with the teensy bit of moisture in their tummies and then they slowly explode! I imagine it looks like the scene from Aliens when the baby is "born". It must be pure agony. Heehee! (Bring it on, all you PETA-types!) Anyway, it works.

I need to start doing this indoors as well, as the spiders I let hang out here just don't seem to keep up. I'm really careful about not leaving food out since I left ND years ago and relocated to warmer, roach-infested climes. Still, they search the house for goodies. Usually, they end up in the bathroom, I think for the water. Anyway, I'm going to put some of this cereal in the attic and see if I incorporate their screams into my dreams!

Speaking of dreams, I'm gonna accept the fact that this football game is boring and crawl into bed and read until I fall asleep. Best wishes to all of you! Even you ant-lovers.