Day 14377

Last August, as part of my vacation, I went back to ND, where my dad lives. Prior to the trip, I had asked one of my brothers to talk to him about getting together so we could chat. My father declined. My father has 4 sons that I know of and 5 living brothers and a sister. My middle brother and my aunt are the only ones who speak to him and even that is rare. Without change, he will die alone and lonely. I think he knows that. I don't know why, but he just doesn't seem willing to do anything to alter his future.

My father is an alcoholic and has been for at least 34 years. Those of you who know the deal, understand that drinking or not, the disease doesn't go away. My father quit drinking for a few years beginning when I was in the 6th grade. I cannot begin to express how proud I was of him and how much additional respect I had for the man. At that age, I also had no idea just how important that tidbit of information could have possibly been to my dad. I've never told him.

My father is going on 69 years old and unfortunately has been drinking for at least the last 24 years that I'm aware of. When I think about how much he drinks and add that to 50+ years of smoking, I am amazed he is still alive. I sometimes wonder if he would have had the strength to stay sober if I had only told him I was proud of him for staying clean and that I loved him. I would have liked to, but I haven't spoken to my father in 12 years. After years of repeated efforts were declined, I gave up. I don't remember when it happened, just that it happened. In my selfish world, the rejection just became too painful to continue reaching out. However, I would be lying if I said I didn't want things to change. Drinking or not, past strains acknowledged and forgiven or not, I do love him and wish he was in my life. And yes, it would be better if he was sober.

I never in my wildest dreams would have thought that I would have posted this information. This is a direct result of my interaction with some folks on Radio Paradise. Some of these people have drinking problems and are courageously staying sober. I frequently lurk in the "Friends of Bill W?" forum and smile as they support each other and daily add to the amount of time they live life alert, free from false security, and embracing their reality, both good and bad. It is more beautiful than any picture I have ever seen, more inspirational than any book or movie. I'm proud of them even though I haven't met a single one. Some I consider friends, some I've never even interacted with.

I don't know if this sounds self-important, arrogant, or whatever, but I feel I should let them know I support them, just in case it matters. Hence, the real reason for this post. I won't mention specific names here for fear of accidently leaving someone out, but I truly admire and am proud of each and every one of them. They are all heroes.