Day 14293

Well, after 2 failed attempts to post a new entry (fell asleep at the keyboard on both occaisions) and a bout with food poisoning this past week, I am back! Brace yourselves!

Ok, don't. I just decided I'm taking this post on a detour...

This morning, I've been lurking (as in not a single post) in the AU at Radio Paradise. I'm certain most of you know about this "place". Anyway, I got to thinking how I really don't interact anymore with most I have met there. It just sort of faded away, probably accellerated by my blogging. I really miss chatting with some of them, especially Leslie and Stuart, whom I so wanted to meet in person. Still do. Here's the sad part, I live maybe 100 miles northeast of them! There are others who seem nice, as well. Some live in Chico and Redding, CA, two cities I travel to almost every other week, yet I have made no effort to officially introduce myself and arrange to meet for a cup of java or a beer.

I wish I knew why I've relegated myself to lurker status. I don't really think of myself as being shy. I think I'm in that hazy Type A / Type B borderline area. My level of talkativeness (Is that a word?) just depends on the situation, how I am feeling, etc. I'm starting to wonder if I don't have some self-esteem issues. You know, like whether or not it would be worth their time to meet me. (Sheesh! What do you say to leaving Pity Central?) I guess another concern could be just how much I would value a potential one-time meeting. Makes me think of blind dates or one-night stands, things I'm not especially comfortable with.

This hedging, pausing, whatever drives me nuts! I know it isn't living, but I hold out anyway. Why in the world do I purposely hold back when I know that in all likelihood nothing truly bad will come from the experience?

I was much more brave as a child. Not trying new things - living - didn't even compute back then. I even got into trouble in 3rd or 4th grade over this. My teacher was frustrated that I wasn't reading as much as the rest of the class. She recommended that I read about things I enjoyed, which at that time was almost exclusively baseball and fishing. I responded, "Why would I read about them when I can do them?". (It might have been spoken in a tone that lacked respect. We went to the principal's office.)

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. In hesitating. Is it something one learns as you age? Is it some sort of response to peer preasure? Maybe it's a strange kind of survival instinct. Whatever. I can't think of a good reason to continue on behaving this way. So, my goal is to purposely seek one of them out on-line (In hopefully a non-stalker sort of way!) and arrange to get together. Wait, that's not specific enough. I need to do this before the end of February. There. Now I can't get out of it! Except, did you notice I didn't say with whom and that I didn't say to start today? I'm such a weasel!

Well, to initiate the procrastinating, I'm off to clean the kitchen & bathroom! Hope you all have as much fun or more!