Day 14404

Where 4 art thou? (favorite number) Why? I don't know, it really hasn't done anything more for me than the other numbers... Anyway, there's a bunch of 4's in today's post-number. Oh, just 4get it. I'm just procrastinating.

Ever hear me talk about endurance? You can say it...the correct answer is "No." That's because, physically, I don't have much any more. I used to. Used to be able to run 5 miles whenever I wanted. It drove my friends, many of whom were in cross country, absolutely nuts! They would train day in and day out and I would just go run with them at their pace and keep up just fine! Afterwards, we seemed to recoup at the same pace.

Well, today it's a different story. I walked about a mile in 90 degree F. heat and was noticeably tired. Got home and napped for a good 2 hours! Now, don't get me wrong, the nap was great, but I needed it. That was the problem.

It really is my own fault. I started walking in the mornings late, last fall, but discontinued it because I wanted to sleep in. Well, I'm more rested nowadays, but I also get easily winded. Gonna have to get back out there and start getting some more exercise, especially with Reinstock coming up in late July!

I think there are other, non-physical, ways of having, or not, endurance. Some would call it stick-to-it-ness, patience, stubborness, etc. I don't suffer from any lack of those. Well, maybe I do choose the things with which I will be patient. Generally speaking, I think most people would say having this kind of endurance would be a desireable thing. Sometimes, however, being stubborn isn't a positive trait. At least as it relates to not keeping an open mind and looking at issues from as many angles as possible. However, that seems like it should be a universally accepted idea.

Then there are the times where having, let's say, patience, is a bad thing. What if you fail to act in a timely manner? Patience so high it was more like procrastinating? Uh-oh! I've never seen anyone sing the praises of procrastinating without having tongue firmly planted in cheek. Unfortuantely, I can be a rediculously foolish procrastinator. Sometimes, I do so and it causes me to shoot myself in the foot. I had one of those revelations yesterday. It was over something pretty significant. Something that was actually very important to me and, to be honest, my mental health. Further, and hold onto your seats for this one, I realized that I had been procrastinating for over 10 years now! Don't mean to be snooty, but it really isn't anyone else's business what it was about and so I won't be going into detail about it. For your understanding, all you need to know is that it was very important to me.

After that, I needed to look at the reason for the procrastination. It was amazingly simple...fear. I failed to act out of fear. After 10 years you think I would have noticed it, but the truth is whenever I got close to analyzing the situation, I buried it beneath something else. Something less important that I would then artificially elevate the significance of. (Do as I say, not as I do or did...remember this, it's important later in this entry. Anyway, don't end a sentence with a preposition!) So, with one amazingly honest declaration to another, I literally managed to hurt myself, like a kick to the testicles. It wasn't exactly the admission that caused the pain as much as the self-realization. Anyway, it still hurts. On top of that, knowing what I do now doesn't really lessen the fear I have been harboring. So, of course, this causes me to be, you guessed it, fearful! Damn ironic circles, can't feel anything nice! All I've got on my side now is time. Unfortunately, I wasted over 3651 days to get to this point, but at least I made it.

Anyway, so that those days weren't a complete effin' waste, allow me to be the bad example in your lives. If any of you are putting off doing or saying anything out of fear. Take a step back, analyze the situation. How important is it to you? How important might it be to others? If you are scared, wouldn't it be nice to finally know the outcome? If so, run, recklessly even, to confront it and get it out of the way! Yank it quick like a bandage! If you are not getting the answer or conclusion due to fear, roll the dice! If you win, you win! If it doesn't work out like you planned, well, at least you'd know and could get on with your life. Trust me, it beats living like some lesser organism, repeatedly doing nothing but the essential things to survive. As humans, that's not living, that's just passing time. Do not let 10 or even 1 year pass foolishly by! Ever.

Best of luck to you all!
G'Night!