Day 14406 (freakin' early edition)

Anyone else up at this ungaädly hour? I've been awake since 3:30 AM! Side-effect of habitually staying awake late at night, only to screw it up by going to bed early last night! Make sense? Oh, good - I just yawned! Maybe more sleep is on the way.

Meanwhile, any of you see the moon earlier? Simply beautiful! Its almost orangish color was probably aided by the local haze/pollution, but hey, glass half-full, right? For long as I can remember, I've been fascinated by the moon. It always amazed me just how well you could see at night when it was full. Add to it, the shear apparent size and proximity of that celestial body...well, I've always dreamt of going there.

I remember when the first space shuttle was launched. I thought for sure that people would be soon taking recreational trips into space. First, the very rich, then I thought, with savings due to a larger scale of operations, the average joe could afford to take a trip as well! Probably a little too far ahead of schedule, no? Today, I highly doubt I will ever get to see earth from more than 30-something thousand feet up. Not very optimistic, I know, but hey, the glass can't always be half-full.

Hmm. I've been in a rut lately, where I have been leaning a little more towards the negative in my views or viewpoints. It's not making me any happier, for sure, and it seems to be driving some people away froim me. From me, even! I'm going to leave that typo in. Kind of a reminder that I'm (we're) not perfect, but can choose to make changes. Anyway, I think today, after I wake up again, I am going to actively look for the good in things and people whenever I can.

So, for starters...I get to go back to bed and actually don't have to be at work until noon! That is cool! Later in the day, I will be going to Stockton...a town I usually refer to as being even worse than Sacramento. Today, I'm going to choose to embrace the trip as a new experience. Something out of my usual routine. Gonna try to see if I can't spill a little water out of the glass! If I can do it for one day and then add another, soon it will be my modus operandi again.

Ok, I'm off to dive back underneath the covers...Have a good day!

Day 14404

Where 4 art thou? (favorite number) Why? I don't know, it really hasn't done anything more for me than the other numbers... Anyway, there's a bunch of 4's in today's post-number. Oh, just 4get it. I'm just procrastinating.

Ever hear me talk about endurance? You can say it...the correct answer is "No." That's because, physically, I don't have much any more. I used to. Used to be able to run 5 miles whenever I wanted. It drove my friends, many of whom were in cross country, absolutely nuts! They would train day in and day out and I would just go run with them at their pace and keep up just fine! Afterwards, we seemed to recoup at the same pace.

Well, today it's a different story. I walked about a mile in 90 degree F. heat and was noticeably tired. Got home and napped for a good 2 hours! Now, don't get me wrong, the nap was great, but I needed it. That was the problem.

It really is my own fault. I started walking in the mornings late, last fall, but discontinued it because I wanted to sleep in. Well, I'm more rested nowadays, but I also get easily winded. Gonna have to get back out there and start getting some more exercise, especially with Reinstock coming up in late July!

I think there are other, non-physical, ways of having, or not, endurance. Some would call it stick-to-it-ness, patience, stubborness, etc. I don't suffer from any lack of those. Well, maybe I do choose the things with which I will be patient. Generally speaking, I think most people would say having this kind of endurance would be a desireable thing. Sometimes, however, being stubborn isn't a positive trait. At least as it relates to not keeping an open mind and looking at issues from as many angles as possible. However, that seems like it should be a universally accepted idea.

Then there are the times where having, let's say, patience, is a bad thing. What if you fail to act in a timely manner? Patience so high it was more like procrastinating? Uh-oh! I've never seen anyone sing the praises of procrastinating without having tongue firmly planted in cheek. Unfortuantely, I can be a rediculously foolish procrastinator. Sometimes, I do so and it causes me to shoot myself in the foot. I had one of those revelations yesterday. It was over something pretty significant. Something that was actually very important to me and, to be honest, my mental health. Further, and hold onto your seats for this one, I realized that I had been procrastinating for over 10 years now! Don't mean to be snooty, but it really isn't anyone else's business what it was about and so I won't be going into detail about it. For your understanding, all you need to know is that it was very important to me.

After that, I needed to look at the reason for the procrastination. It was amazingly simple...fear. I failed to act out of fear. After 10 years you think I would have noticed it, but the truth is whenever I got close to analyzing the situation, I buried it beneath something else. Something less important that I would then artificially elevate the significance of. (Do as I say, not as I do or did...remember this, it's important later in this entry. Anyway, don't end a sentence with a preposition!) So, with one amazingly honest declaration to another, I literally managed to hurt myself, like a kick to the testicles. It wasn't exactly the admission that caused the pain as much as the self-realization. Anyway, it still hurts. On top of that, knowing what I do now doesn't really lessen the fear I have been harboring. So, of course, this causes me to be, you guessed it, fearful! Damn ironic circles, can't feel anything nice! All I've got on my side now is time. Unfortunately, I wasted over 3651 days to get to this point, but at least I made it.

Anyway, so that those days weren't a complete effin' waste, allow me to be the bad example in your lives. If any of you are putting off doing or saying anything out of fear. Take a step back, analyze the situation. How important is it to you? How important might it be to others? If you are scared, wouldn't it be nice to finally know the outcome? If so, run, recklessly even, to confront it and get it out of the way! Yank it quick like a bandage! If you are not getting the answer or conclusion due to fear, roll the dice! If you win, you win! If it doesn't work out like you planned, well, at least you'd know and could get on with your life. Trust me, it beats living like some lesser organism, repeatedly doing nothing but the essential things to survive. As humans, that's not living, that's just passing time. Do not let 10 or even 1 year pass foolishly by! Ever.

Best of luck to you all!
G'Night!

Day 14398

Good cry vs. bad cry... I was chatting with Michelle last night and decided crying would be my focus tonight. Just for the record, I think all crying is inherrently good, some just more than others. But for clarification's sake, we'll call crying over a painful/upsetting situation bad...crying over something joyous is a good thing.

So, she told me that she had watched Extreme Makeover: Home Edition earlier in the evening. If you haven't seen the show, a family, who has gone through some hardship/turmoil, is selected from nominations (usually by neighbors, friends, or relatives) and they are sent away while a team re-builds their house! It's a rollercoaster of emotions. I like it because it frequently gives me a good cry.

I enjoy good cries, as long as I'm alone. Can't enjoy it when others are around. It's the testosterone in me, I guess. I know a few ladies who seem to enjoy crying as well, but have never met a guy who would admit it. Must remain strong. Must provide security. Must ensure my DNA is passed on. Whatever.

Certain things bring out the tears with amazing consistency. One of them is U2's Trip Through Your Wires. This song has no special meaning to me. No long lost love who appreciated the song. No breakup occurring with this playing in the background. It just has that effect on me. I don't have a copy of this song on cd, only vinyl, so I rarely ever hear it. I think that adds to the effect. I mean if I heard it regularly, I would probably start associating it with something else. Soon it wouldn't make me cry and I don't want that. I'd rather feel something that lets me know I'm alive.

Bad cries will make a person feel alive as well, though I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'd prefer not to have to have one ever again myself. That's just not likely, though. In the end though, even a bad cry at least hastens closure. That's why I think even bad cries are good.

The best cries though are the ones where you were laughing so hard that tears began to form. Can never go wrong with those tears! Last time I remember one of those cries, I was out with friends and we hadn't slept in far too long. Everything seemed funny, so when we actually hit on something that really was funny, the tears came a-chargin'! Great night! Need another like it, soon.

OK, I need as much sleep as I can get, and this isn't sleeping...Have a good night!

Day 14397 (early edition)

OK, I couldn't sleep and ran across this, which I got from The Cheesemistress while doing some `splorin'.

Yibbyl is a Giant Ant that spits Ice, has a single Horn on its Forehead, and can turn Invisible. Strength: 4 Agility: 5 Intelligence: 8 To see if your Giant Battle Monster can defeat Yibbyl, enter your name and choose an attack: fights Yibbyl using Strength Agility Intelligence

Please don't pillage!

Day 14396

This morning started off as good as any other and was highlighted by a successful attempt to make someone, who was in a lot of pain, laugh. And I mean laugh a lot. It lingered long enough to cause some inappropriate laughter while he was on the phone. No real harm nor foul, however. I know now is the opportune time to explain to you just what was so funny, but it is one of those "you had to be there" moments... I asked, "Doesn't the cowboy hat get in the way?". See what I mean?

Then, later this afternoon, I had to abruptly cut short my visit to Chico and drive somewhere else and tell an individual he was no longer working for the company. The person I fired was a terrific guy, whose only faults were that he was too slow physically and somewhat slow mentally. He just wasn't a good fit for the job. In addition, I suddenly had too much manning in that location due to a transfer. For clarification, the afternoon sucked.

Tonight, I finally relaxed enough to fall asleep on the couch. I just woke up and checked a car battery that was on a charger. It doesn't appear to be charging. Looks like I'm going to have to cough up some dough for a new one tomorrow. So tomorrow appears like it will be starting off a little sucky as well.

I should buy a lottery ticket tomorrow, too...and a pacifier...and a package of Fla-Vor-Ice popsicles...especially the popsicles. My friends and I used to eat Fla-Vor-Ice while sitting in a friend's jacuzzi until the wee hours of the morning back when we were in High School. The blue ones were my favorite - I think they were raspberry. We'd talk and laugh and look for shooting stars and satellites. I wish I was doing that now.

Well, looks like I nodded off there for a bit. Time to stop fighting it and just go to bed. Good night folks.

---Editted for correct spelling as of 8:36 AM!---

Day 14395

Good Morning! And for those thinking otherwise, it IS a good morning, you just need to embrace it! OK, so why am I all juiced? Well, sometimes it's the little things that jumpstart a person. Not little things like pills BTW :wink:, just simple little pleasures that are easily appreciated.

Last night, I had an enjoyable chat over the telephone with BluEyes, in which I learned many things about raising children. Then I went to bed early...for me early was before 11:30 PM. Slept well, then got up and took a leisurely HOT shower. Finally, I got to hop into some toasty jeans, fresh from the dryer! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet!

Well, I've got a smile on my face, am all packed, and am off to Chico/Paradise, CA. So, if any of you break into my unattended house, please don't make a mess and feel free to clean my bathroom after you've stolen my $9.99 worth of silverware!

Later!

Day 14393

So, today I overslept. I woke up at 8:30 this morning, totally exhausted. A sense of tension consumed me, until I realized that no one was expecting me to be anywhere for at least another half hour! When I finally showed up at work, no one said a thing. Is this a sign of past successes being rewarded? Is it really acceptable for someone, who is, I guess, ranked higher in a company to show up late and not be questioned about it? I mean, really?

I couldn't look into the eyes of the people I supervised for the first hour. I was ashamed. They were on time. They were working hard. I was dreaming when they showed up. A wierd one, too, BTW. I even hopped online to check out the latest hub-bub at RP before I left! I had my own selfish reasons for doing so, coupled with the fact that I already knew I would be late, so what was a few more minutes? No one questioned it, not even as if it were a casual joke!

Well, shit! I must be a suck-sess! No wonder the folks in the trenches sometimes have a rocky relationship with the management! We're schmucks! I mean, I really don't think the majority of my peers would feel like they had let down their troops in this situation. And I'm really not trying to come off as thinking I am better than my peers here, I'm just being sincere. Hell, being late bothered me so much that I sent everyone home a half hour early with pay! Didn't tell them why, though, cause, you know, can't let them see the cracks in the window. To some extent, I feel like a fraud.

Yep. That was my day.

Day 14392

Days later than the rest, like some delayed reaction - a serious shortness of breath. I am tired. I am tired of tears. I can't think straight and I am at a loss of just what I was supposed to do tonight. And I don't know what to say.

I want to scream. I want to cry some more. I want to understand. I want to facilitate change. I want to call some people, people who probably need sleep. I want to go to bed. I want to stop saying, "I".

And I can't help wondering what happened to the other one.

Day 14387

Don't Know Jack

I would have liked to have made you my savior
But I'm too damn old for the emotional toll that is a bedfellow of infidelity
And I made my choice when I drove you home
A moment of fun and the moment's gone
And I don't know if it's right by old Lao-Tzu
But it sure seemed right with you

I would like to avoid becoming a tragic cliche
One of those men who just ain't content unless he's gone astray
I suppose it's true that it crossed my mind
You got the looks and I got the time
No one would know and I wouldn't feel ashamed
But I'm not that way

How can I phrase it so it doesn't come out bad?
I saw Five Easy Pieces and Jack Nicholson was rad
He took what he had and he left it behind
Just the clothes on his back and a troubled mind
No more make-up or sweet singing Patsy Kline
But I wouldn't give up mine
I wouldn't give up mine

This was written by a friend of mine, named Paul Heiderscheidt. I've been meaning to watch Five Easy Pieces ever since then. I finally did tonight. Sad, powerful movie. In the lyrics, I don't know if Cline was misspelled on purpose or what. I do think he mixed up Tammy Wynette and Patsy Cline, though.

Paul, knowing that I'm kind of obsessed with lyrics, once took me aside and explained them to me. It wasn't exactly what I expected. So, it's a song that compares and contrasts. It starts out about a friend who chose to cheat. (It cost him a longterm relationship with one of the most beautiful ladies I know.) It ends with explaining that Paul, when faced with a similar opportunity once, chose not to, and then explains why. (He managed not to destroy his longterm relationship with someone I don't find beautiful.) For clarification, the words hot, sexy, pretty, smokin', vavoom, etc., all refer to the physical in my mind. The word beautiful I reserve for something greater, something internal, something more important.

I know the girl Paul turned down. I don't believe most men would have said, "Sorry, but no thanks.". She is very striking. Anyway, Jack Nicholson's character was an ass. Sally Ann Struthers is in the film, as is Toni Basil! Thought you'd wanna know.

My head is bobbing. Good night one & all!