Monday, January 31, 2005

Day 14294

Psst! Guess what?
Give up? I used to teach Sunday School to 2nd graders when I was in High School! Those of you who know me, must be scratching your heads. I am openly a non-Christian and have stated so more times than I'm sure my mother would ever want to know about. Anyway, I wish I could say that I whole-heartedly was a believer back in the day, but that would be a lie. I had learned which phrases seemed to please my parents and others at an early age and simply kept spewing out what I thought they wanted to hear. It certainly didn't hurt that I had learned them to admittedly lame melodies or rhymes. Still, it kept the memory sharp as I was saying things I wasn't sure I believed.

Over the next 10 years I was fortunate to do quite a bit of travelling. It brought me into contact with many different cultures, beliefs and customs. Here's what I learned, at least about religion...

Religion is useful for keeping mankind relatively well-behaved towards his or her neighbor. Also, religion seems to lessen some of the fear of dieing. All beliefs I came into contact with have those 2 things in common. After that, anything goes.

Now, I certainly don't want to sway anyone one way or the other, after all, religion is a personal spiritual matter. Therefore, it is none of my business what you believe or don't believe. In addition, your beliefs can't really have any effect on me (and vice-versa) either. I just want you to gain the benefit of meeting new people. (Ahh, anyone see the tie-in from yesterday's post?) Further, I don't wish that you meet others, especially of a different culture, so that they would change (or not) your religous views. I'm hoping you'll find value in the understanding of another's thoughts so as to gain a glimpse of their viewpoint on a multitude of subjects.

Unfortunately, sometimes one just can't travel for one reason or another. That's when it becomes really valuable to have access to someone who can convey information about those travels. Here is a source. The young man went backpacking through Europe after 9-11. He's also quite a interesting writer. On the left you will see links to other stories from the road by others. All interesting stuff. I hope you enjoy.

Good night.

Sunday, January 30, 2005

Day 14293

Well, after 2 failed attempts to post a new entry (fell asleep at the keyboard on both occaisions) and a bout with food poisoning this past week, I am back! Brace yourselves!

Ok, don't. I just decided I'm taking this post on a detour...

This morning, I've been lurking (as in not a single post) in the AU at Radio Paradise. I'm certain most of you know about this "place". Anyway, I got to thinking how I really don't interact anymore with most I have met there. It just sort of faded away, probably accellerated by my blogging. I really miss chatting with some of them, especially Leslie and Stuart, whom I so wanted to meet in person. Still do. Here's the sad part, I live maybe 100 miles northeast of them! There are others who seem nice, as well. Some live in Chico and Redding, CA, two cities I travel to almost every other week, yet I have made no effort to officially introduce myself and arrange to meet for a cup of java or a beer.

I wish I knew why I've relegated myself to lurker status. I don't really think of myself as being shy. I think I'm in that hazy Type A / Type B borderline area. My level of talkativeness (Is that a word?) just depends on the situation, how I am feeling, etc. I'm starting to wonder if I don't have some self-esteem issues. You know, like whether or not it would be worth their time to meet me. (Sheesh! What do you say to leaving Pity Central?) I guess another concern could be just how much I would value a potential one-time meeting. Makes me think of blind dates or one-night stands, things I'm not especially comfortable with.

This hedging, pausing, whatever drives me nuts! I know it isn't living, but I hold out anyway. Why in the world do I purposely hold back when I know that in all likelihood nothing truly bad will come from the experience?

I was much more brave as a child. Not trying new things - living - didn't even compute back then. I even got into trouble in 3rd or 4th grade over this. My teacher was frustrated that I wasn't reading as much as the rest of the class. She recommended that I read about things I enjoyed, which at that time was almost exclusively baseball and fishing. I responded, "Why would I read about them when I can do them?". (It might have been spoken in a tone that lacked respect. We went to the principal's office.)

I know I am not alone in feeling this way. In hesitating. Is it something one learns as you age? Is it some sort of response to peer preasure? Maybe it's a strange kind of survival instinct. Whatever. I can't think of a good reason to continue on behaving this way. So, my goal is to purposely seek one of them out on-line (In hopefully a non-stalker sort of way!) and arrange to get together. Wait, that's not specific enough. I need to do this before the end of February. There. Now I can't get out of it! Except, did you notice I didn't say with whom and that I didn't say to start today? I'm such a weasel!

Well, to initiate the procrastinating, I'm off to clean the kitchen & bathroom! Hope you all have as much fun or more!

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Day 14286

Flogging the dead horse. I've done that a bit lately to admittedly bad results. But I'm feeling like a stubborn fool, so let's continue, shall we?

I have been contacted by a few people concerning the post titled Day 14284. Some of the comments haven't been friendly at all. Others simply questioned either how I could know or hang out with 3 sexual offenders or whatever possessed me to post that entry in the first place. Interestingly, no comments were posted on the blog itself. Go figure.

Well, again, I wanted to be completely truthful on this blog. Truth to me also includes purposely not leaving out information. Of course, I won't be divulging every single thing about myself, i.e. the company I work for, but if relevent, I'll post it.

As for how I came to know 3 sexual offenders, I was friends with one of them first. He was charged and went through the punishment and rehabilitation process. During the rehab / re-education process, he met the other two. This was in a small town and all were leary of going out in public. We all got together on Friday nights to play poker, listen to music, watch movies, and cook a dinner. Did this for over a year. These three felt extremely uncomfortable in their rehabilitation groups because of the graphic brutality of some of the other offender's crimes. (Here, I'll purposely leave out details as I don't know the age and maturity of this blog's audience. Suffice to say that what little I heard made me sick to my stomach.) So, we started hanging out and that's how we came to be friends.

So, the big question to me was why post it? I've re-read it. It seems to lack a logical flow mirroring what my thought process was. (I was very tired when I wrote it.) I've also thought about eliminating it. I won't. Life isn't always pretty or comfortable. My train of thought was to say how proud I was of the friend I had had dinner with that night. I attempted to ease into the topic by stating that members of my circle have had run-ins with the law, which I assume exists somewhere in every family or group of friends. I mentioned a range of specific crimes and then went rambling down the road.

It triggered something unpleasant in a few of you. To these hypocrites, I say, "What would your Jesus do?". Keep casting your stones, or not. I don't give a rat's patootie.

To the one who was upset that society blames the victim, I agree that that is far too frequently a problem. I am sorry for your experience. In the case of the girl I mentioned, I do believe she has some lingering psychological problems from her childhood. As I said, she admitted to lieing. I mentioned her friend's statement, hinting that the victim's actions in the morning seemed inconsistent with the situation. I think in the case concerning my friend, I just can't believe her. Again, I don't think this is the norm in the vast majority of cases. I really do believe society is too quick to doubt or blame the victim. It is sad. Hopefully, this tendancy changes and quick. May you and your friend continue the healing.

Well, let's consider the flogging complete. I'm done. Stick a spork in me. I won't be posting for a while as I'm heading out of town, but have not abandoned this exercise of posting. When I get back, if I find my home in cinders like some victimized Planned Parenthood facility, I'll just assume it was one of you Designated Haters out there.

Well, there's a football game on and a seat with my name on it...

Buenos tardes amigos.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Day 14284

I've done this before. I shouldn't be doing it again. Tough. It's only desparate sleep I need, but for now will ignore. Here goes...

Several of my friends and family have had run-ins with the law. Charges included anything from possession of assorted chemical substances to sexual assault. Yes, you can assume correctly that that last one technically means rape.

Anyone still reading this? Seriously. One of my greatest fears is to be held guilty by association. Is it "like attracts like" or "opposites attract"? Honestly, when it comes to friends, I believe in the "like attracts like" theory. Now, I'm wondering if you are wondering what my legal record looks like? "Is he a rapist?" "How could he hang around rapists." Yes, you read that correctly as well. Plural. Actually, three of them. Please continue reading and with an open mind, as I know this is one of those subjects that can quickly get out of hand. Again, please.

I have three friends who have been convicted of some form of sexual assault. I'm not trying to pretty this up, that is the official charge. All three crimes occurred in Oregon. One was charged with 3 counts of misdemeanor sexual assault in the form of inappropriate sexual contact. The other two were charged with statuatory rape. All three have served their time and completed classes to better prepare them for handling themselves with members of the opposite sex. All three are really good guys and two of them are married with children.

One of the statuatory rapists was arrested at age 18 after his girlfriend, age 17, delivered their baby. He was turned in by the doctor, who waited until both parents had signed the birth certificate. They were engaged at the time. The resulting turmoil was too much for the young couple. They never married. He has since married someone else. Unfortunately, he doesn't do a good job of pretending not to miss his former fiance.

The other statuatory rapist slept with his children's baby sitter. It was consensual and the victim did not wish to press charges, but her father had another idea. She was 17 at the time. To his credit, this friend was the first of the three to acknowledge he had done wrong. First to admit he had treated women poorly in the past. And was the first of the three to take his classes seriously. I think he was immature at the time of the crime, wanting immediate satisfaction. I also think he has grown up. He is a good, formerly divorced man, who has since remarried.

The third friend, the one with the 3 misdemeanor sexual assault charges, had a little more complicated situation.

First, some background. In Oregon, if the girl has a drink of alcohol and then sleeps with a guy, whether he drinks or not, the guy is guilty of rape. Period. If the guy has a drink and the girl doesn't, the girl is guilty of rape. Prison time typically is 7 years per guilty felony charge. I understand the spirit of the law and think it is commendable. I think it probably is the strictest rape law in the country. In college orientations, the law is discussed and explained. Most guys and some girls generally think it is unfairly written. Doesn't matter, it's the law.

OK, I can SO lose the respect of you readers here, but please refrain from rushing to judgement. So, this 3rd friend's victim was someone I knew. Further, I knew she had been molested by her father when she was in 6th grade. I also knew that this was the 3rd time she had accused someone of raping her. Think about it, that was a very unlucky, twenty-something girl. The first 2 occurrences lead to charges being dropped. In fact, after the 2nd occurrence, she admitted to lieing about the whole ordeal. This was all inadmissable in court. Anyway, I felt she was bad news. I also think that if I hadn't left the bar early that night, my friend would never had been accused of rape, because I wouldn't have let him get anywhere near her.

Well, I left. He also left a while later, but with her. They went to a friend's house to party and slept together. The victim's friend (a girl) later gave a statement that the victim calmly ate breakfast the next morning and then suddenly got up and announced that she had to go to the hospital because she had been raped. My friend says it was consensual.

Because at the time there were 6 felony charges against him (that's potentially 42 years people), he followed his lawyer's advice and cut a deal to plead guilty to 3 misdemeanor charges. The charges state that he inappropriately touched her twice on the butt and once on the breast. Not to make light of this situation and sound like a jerk, but in all honesty, it sounds like a typical night in a dance club to me. Not that I behave that way, but I've seen it. Once in a while it will be followed by a slap. He got time served and 3 years probation.

Anyway, this extremely long post came about because I had dinner with another friend tonight, who had done some time for dealing drugs. Years ago, his life was nothing but a spinning vortex of crap. He was going nowhere. Today, he is one semester away from his Masters in Psychology. He has come so far. I am proud of him and proud to call him my friend.

Finally, for the curious, I have been arrested for trespassing out at Tonapah Range in Nevada, while protesting "nukular" weapons testing. I have nothing else on my record. I have never been accused of any sexual misconduct. I guess it's "like attracts like*".

* = Sometimes

Monday, January 17, 2005

Day 14280

I've had too much negative news lately and I'm tired of it. I think it is time I focused on the things that are good in my life. Here's a list of 10:

1) My Mom. I'm glad I'm still able to talk to her.
2) I once fell head over heals for this sweetie!

3) I have many fond memories from our old cabin in this satellite shot.

4) I have several friends throughout the country who treat me like family.
5) I've met some terrific people from here.

6) I'm in pretty good health, evidenced by the fact that I posted again!
7) I have the means and skill to enjoy building guitars in my spare time.
8) I haven't smoked a cigarette in over 11 years!

9) I have a good job that allows me to travel throughout northern CA.
10) I have tomorrow off from work!

Saturday, January 15, 2005

Day 14278

So, I interviewed a woman today for a position in our West Sacramento, CA location. I saw her out in her vehicle checking her look and applying perfume before she came in. She was dressed quite nice and the perfume was surprisingly very subtle. All in all, quite tasteful. For some context, I've mentioned in the past that I work in an industry that is dominated by men. (I purposely don't wish to get more specific than that.) Anyway, I think she tried to present herself as being tough enough for "a man's world". Specifically, she used the dreaded "c-word" within the 1st 2 minutes of the interview! I was totally stunned! You wouldn't think it possible, but the interview actually got worse after that. In all seriousness, she would have done better saying, "Gotcha!" when it was over!

For those of you who are, or are soon to be, job hunting, let me give some "advice". Never use the "c-word" or any other profanities in an interview. Never use racial slurs in an interview, especially if you unknowingly are sitting in front of one of your targets. Never say that you have told a customer to go ____ themselves. When describing what you enjoy most about the sales process, never brag about purposely overcharging customers, especially those you don't like. Never state that your favorite past employment was one which gave you "plenty of time to put your feet up". Never refer to past supervisors as bitches or morons or question their sexuality. If you are of the opposite sex of the majority of the customers (actually, even if you aren't), never state that you are "sexy enough to keep `em coming back for more". Never claim to have experience in one thing or another, only to mention later that you look forward to gaining that very same experience so that your future job opportunities elsewhere will be increased. Never have your significant other call back afterwards to promote your cause and ask if the interviewer was impressed by your interview.

Truth. It's stranger than fiction. Idiots. They are dumber than you think.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Day 14277

Tonight, on the way home from work, I quickly took a left turn into the parking lot of my neighborhood video rental store. I won't mention the name until those cheap offspring-of-former-puppies kick down a little sumthin'-sumthin' for the publicity.

Ahem... I'm waiting.

Anyway, on a whim I rented Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Good flick in a Being John Malkovich sort of way. So, I'm getting into the movie - about 1/3 of the way, I suppose - when my phone rings.

"What you up to?", she says.
"Not much, just watching a movie."
"You got a movie? Which one?"
"Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
"Why didn't you call me?"
"I don't know. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing."
"Did you have a bad day?"
"No, kind of ho-hum. I thought it was Thursday until about 3 o'clock, so I guess it got better.", I said.

We gabbed about our day for a while, not really saying anything specific. Flirted a little bit too, which was fun. Then, about 5 minutes into the conversation...

She says, "Do you want me to come over?".
"Sure." (Stand by for a little bit of life imitating art...) "Who am I speaking to?"
"Uh..." Then a click.

I should *69 her. I won't. I want to.

"OK." (Watch the movie)

Monday, January 10, 2005

Day 14273

I got nothing. I shouldn't post, but...maybe I'm a ham.

Can you taste it? Can you taste the waste? (Yeah, I dig Ween!)

Anyway, just a quick note to officially state that my goal is to not swear at all tomorrow. Sad that this is something significant enough to make a goal for, but it is. So be it. I have a bad habit of occasionally coloring my conversation with "colorful" words. Sometimes it is for a joke, others it is just for emotional emphasis. Either way, I don't like it. I don't swear in every sentence or even every conversation, but it creeps in I'd guess 5-6 times a day. So, again, I am aiming to be vulgarity-free tomorrow. Wish me luck. (And don't piss me off!)

Oh Gaäd! I forgot I will be working on the car tomorrow. This is definitely going to be a challenge!

Have some effing sweet dreams, folks!

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Day 14272

Discussing food again tonight. This time it is red currant jelly. I just had some on toast for a little snack. Washed the toast down with cold milk. Quite de-lish! The jelly was a treat I got for myself for Christmas. It was not an easy item to find, in fact, mine came from England. Currants grow in the U.S., but aren't very common. This site has some photos and info.

My first contact with currants came when I was about 12 years old and fishing with my grandma out at our cabin in ND. She called them gooseberries, but years later I learned the plants were really wild, white currants. She told me that many of the German and Russian people planted them on their farmsteads for use in jellies and pies and as windrows or shelterbelts. Our cabin was in an area that had been settled by people who emigrated from Russia. Birds probably inadvertantly "planted" the bushes we found. I remember the fruit being tart, but we sampled them later in the early fall and they were much better. Unfortunately, by then there were hardly any berries left on the bushes.

My grandma's name was Freda. Her family was German, but came to the states by way of Russia. She had some of the best recipes I have ever tasted. Her cooking was excellent, but she also knew how to host a gathering. Holiday get-togethers were always at her house. As a kid, I loved playing with the little pistol she kept that would "shoot" a penny about a foot. I also loved to play under the dining room table, which had the coolest pedastal-into-legs combination I have ever seen. So inviting was my grandma, that even without enough chairs to sit in, I was always made to feel that I had a special place on the floor. To this day, I only sit in furniture if I have company. The rest of the time, I am on the floor, leaning up against the furniture!

She was a great woman and I really miss her, especially during the holidays. She passed away when I was still married. My wife had never met her and I remember saying that with the passing of my grandma, all tradition and true sense of "family" had ceased to exist on my side of our family. Freda was just always the glue that held the rest of us together.

Now, when Thanksgiving and Christmas come, I get depressed. Not just because she is gone, but because we have no one, comprehensive family get-together, just a bunch of separate ones. My mom has come to accept that I get bummed out every fall now, I just never have fully explained why. I think she knows, but I should probably explain the next time I call her.

Anyway, I didn't intend for this to become sad or depressing. Actually, while I was eating the toast, it brought back to mind many good times. I was smiling and remembering them and just happy that I ever got a chance to meet Freda. Funny how tastes and smells can trigger past memories and how suddenly, I don't feel like I'm in a holiday funk anymore!


Saturday, January 08, 2005

Day 14271

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to be completely honest with myself and others. I wanted to stand naked, unembarrassed by the true me. Well, the true me likes ice cream. My favorite is vanilla ice cream with peaches. Sounds simple, but it's actually loaded with complex overtones and is oh-so-yummy. It has been far too long since I last tasted this heavenly flavor.

Lately, I've been hanging out at a kind of virtual Baskin-Robbins. Yeah, that's right, a place with 31 different flavors for one to sample! It sounds exciting and, if I'm honest, on the surface, it has been. However, I am finding that, though the other flavors are sweet, all of this variety just doesn't excite me like I thought it would. In fact, I feel kind of empty afterwards. The initial sense of excitement from having these 31 different flavors want to touch my taste buds has worn off. I actually regret having sampled the few of these I have tasted. Till the day I die, I know I will always want my peach! I also know I'm scared to say it out loud. Not because I don't believe it, but because I know it is true and that my level of desire might not be recipricated.

I need to say it though. Gaäd, I should be mature enough to be able to be honest with myself and my sweet peach! I need to put it out there to see if the nectar I desire wants to be eaten as much as I want to eat it. I can only hope that stating my physical, spirital, and emotional hunger for the ice cream won't frighten it off.

How does one say this, when there has been so little recent contact between us? Will I be believed when I say that peach is still my favorite and that I can't see myself eating another? Will I be able to abstain from sampling those other flavors? I certainly want to be strong enough to do this. I need to be. I just don't think I can live without my peach ice cream. And I need to take this risk if I am ever going to be true to myself and fully experience this tasty treat.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Day 14267

I have proof that at least some of the male species is too stubborn to read directions. I accidently erased a comment to the prior day's post. It was one of those "what the heck is this thing here" deals where I foolishly clicked on the link. The resulting message made me feel like a maroon. Of course, at that point I decided to search the site for instructions on how to retrieve the deleted comment. I was unsuccessful. I couldn't have researched the icon first, could I? Oh well, live and learn.

I know I am not alone, though. Today, I delivered some goods to one of my store's customers and watched a group of 50 to 60-something men scratch their heads trying to assemble the items while I continued unloading the rest of the merchandise. Every once in a while, one of them would look in the direction of an owner's manual, but none of them picked one up. The feminine aspect of my being found that it was actually kind of funny! It was like the manuals were pieces of forbidden fruit! After some time, they ended up yelling at each other in frustration. I couldn't take it anymore, so I handed them each an owner's manual, telling them that the instructions for assembly were at the beginning.

I had a lot of items to deliver to them and it required a 2nd trip to complete. When I came back I saw them ignoring the manuals (which were actually well-written), and still were arguing about how to finish what was already incorrectly assembled! I laid out the parts as they were to be assembled to the items that hadn't been started and pointed out where the wrong bolts had been used on the ones they had attempted. An hour later I left with their goods almost completely assembled and at a point where they couldn't be screwed up.

They could have had everything put together in under 2 hours if they had only followed the instructions. Those of us who have done it regulary would have been done in less than an hour. Mmmm?

Why, oh, why do we make things more difficult than they have to be? Is their really some sort of gene that increases the odds of being stubborn in men? Will it lead to the demise of the human species? Is it curable?

I don't know. There's probably an article written somewhere about this topic, but I'm not going to seek it out and read it! I am male! Hear me scratch my head!

Monday, January 03, 2005

Day 14266

I did not expect to post anything tonight, but I am feeling significantly less pain. Or maybe the pain is the same, but the spirit is better? Tough call. Besides, I wanted to thank both Allan and ankhara99 (From her RP profile, Mt. biking, rapelling, & cool is this lady!?!) for their comments to yesterday’s entry. So, thank you. Further, I was incredibly moved by Joseph’s entry dated 1-2-05. ~ Ha, you missed it! I actually typed “04” first! Change IS fun! ~ Using “~” is fun too; I recommend everyone try it.

Anyway, I got to thinking about how we are conveying ideas and emotions by using 1’s and 0’s, or on and off switches. This is really nothing that hasn’t been discussed before, but it still fascinates me how I can be touched and react to mere symbols.

We have been using symbols for centuries now, but somehow we take it for granted. We type, we read, we understand (hopefully). While driving, lights and signs warn us of possible situations and tell us how to behave, and hopefully we do. Morse code, smoke signals, sign language, pictures, and facial gestures all convey meaning. Our spoken languages are nothing more than series of vibrations used to convey thoughts.

I think one can forgive our arrogance in admiring the ingeniousness of mankind’s creative solutions to understanding each other. It is amazing to think how far we have come from violence to express displeasure, and equally dismaying to see that it still exists. And how greeting cards have come to express thanks, love, longing, joy, and pain, and yet sometimes, sadly, never sent.

And there is the key. It isn’t necessarily how we communicate that truly is important. What is important is that we take the time to share our ideas with each other in the first place. I have never met any of you who have commented to this blog, but you all have touched me through your words. You have made me feel alive, special, important, funny, interesting, talented, human, or simply made me feel, period. Thank you. I hope I am sufficiently returning the favor.

Sweet dreams to all you 1’s and 0’s!

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Day 14265


Wow, another 365 days gone and already 2 into the next batch! This sort of looking back makes it really tempting for me to write about the past 365, commenting on the highs and lows. However, I know we each received at least one of "those" letters in our batch o' holiday cards. So, I'll spare you the long drawn out version. Short version is...Truth be told I had my fair share of highs, lows, and ho-hums (along with a few ho-ho's). They made each day worth waking up to, to see what would happen next.

Unfortunately, my mind can't stop focussing on my year ending with a rollercoaster of emotions. I was falsely accused of a hit and run (no injuries, just vehicular damage). I witnessed it and the guilty party drove away in a green Jeep Cherokee, Bronco, or Explorer-shaped vehicle. I couldn't see the licesne plate as it was raining and there was too much road glare that night. Though obvious to everyone else, the lady refused to believe it wasn't me until I later provided photos of an undamaged, scratch-free front bumper. I was driving a company vehicle at the time and she probably had dollar signs distorting her view of reality. Insert your favorite feminized name-calling here: _______ _______ _______! I think 3 should have covered it.

On a brighter note, the locations in my district all had record months and all but one had record years! Yay! It's good for the individual workers, the managers, me, and of course the company. So, that was exciting.

And finally, by the 30th, my back was toast and still is. I can barely move to get up off of floors, out of chairs, and I certainly had no ability to get frisky as part of a New Year's celebration. I am currently dreaming of lying down in my warm bed. Problem is, I can't sleep so early, or I will totally screw up my sleep schedule. I can't sit up to read, as it hurts my back. At this point putting on headphones will probably not keep me awake. I'm screwed.

So, I don't really make New Year resolutions, because I never manage to keep them. This year, I've decided to make some, but call them appointments instead. First up, I need to get my back checked out. The last time anyone looked at it, x-rays showed a bulging disc in my lumbar area. This recent episode has me sore down there, but I am also in even more pain between my shoulder blades. I'm so tense there that it is affecting my rib cage, putting pressure on my sternum. Did anyone know you can crack your sternum? Actually, it feels like there is movement around the sternum in the cartlidge whenever I yawn and stretch. That's when I get the cracking sound. I can feel it resonate in my torso! It doesn't hurt at all, but it's really freaky.

Anyway, I'm extremely nervous that I will have to have surgery and get my back fused. I'm inflexible enough as it is, so this is the last thing I probably need. I also worry that there will be sexual side effects, the kind little blue pills may not help. I still don't have children, (or a significant other for that matter) but I want to have some kids and would like the opportunity to make them the fun way.

I've been sitting in my chair for the last 5 minutes without typing a single character. My right knee has been rapidly bouncing up and down with only the ball of my foot staying in one place. Did that make sense? Anyway, it's a nervous reaction/tick that I haven't seen in a very long time. Becoming conscious of this movement is what stopped me from dwelling on surgery and it's possible outcome. I will justify not seeing a doctor this coming week due to work, but I would have to lie even to myself to avoid scheduling something for the week of the 10th. The reality is that I might not get the choice as to when I go get checked out, though. Hopefully, I make it through this coming week.

Anyway, I probably will have very few blog entries in the next week or two. Those of you who are close friends and family shouldn't freak out over it. I have a cell phone and will demand that it be kept with me.

Be well. Be safe. Be loving.